not a Tolkien April Fool's joke

I only wish it were.

In the same folder where I keep the souvenirs from Hobbiton U.S.A. is a piece of Tolkien-related junk mail of such quaintness that I've held onto it since 1977. It was the catalog of a short-lived (at any rate, I never heard of it again) company called Middle-Earth Distributing Ltd., which sprang up in response to the boomlet surrounding the impending publication of The Silmarillion and, if other "Sci-Fi Afficinados, Avant Garde Thinkers, & TOLKIEN Fans" to whom it was addressed reacted as I did, just as quickly died.

The contents include a cover letter of sufficient puerility:

Once in a lifetime a literary landmark occurs and in the 20th Century due to J.R.R. TOLKIEN this has happened. Where Catcher in the Rye gave us a look into adolescent thoughts, Ulysses gave us a further look into the adult mind, and Catch-22 gave us an even deeper look into the mind of society, LORD OF THE RINGS has captured that ever present quest in ourselves for the desire of love and virtue to triumph over the forces of evil. ... Mr. J.R.R. TOLKIEN has given our individual imaginations a wondrous perpetual "merry-go-round" on which to ride. However, a problem arises, when we wish to relate LORD OF THE RINGS to our friends, relatives, and to ourselves for the 4th or 5th time. Thus, the need for Visual Arts (Art items, Games, Figurines, Records, Tapes, etc.) has been created.

Oh, so that's why all that kipple is so popular. This discourse is randomly interrupted by various quotes from such authors as "LORD DUNSAY" (embarrassing typos are a major feature of this work, as you'll already have noted from "Afficinados"), all of which the well-read Tolkienist of 1977 would immediately recognize as lifted directly from the chapter-heading epigrams of Lin Carter's Tolkien: A Look Behind The Lord of the Rings. At least Carter might actually have read the books he quoted from, and he chose the quotes himself.

There's several pages of books ("Be 'The' World Authority - Own a Tolkien Library," though interestingly the four books about Tolkien don't include either of the two they plagiarized from), LP/cassette readings, calendars, stationery and art prints, calligraphed parchments, board games, and posters, but the true gem of the catalog is the descriptions of the characters depicted as pewter figurines. What I give you here are, I swear, precise copies of some of the texts, all typos lovingly preserved.

FRODO BAGGINS
Hobbit of the Shire, Ring bearer, Elf — friend and Hero, Frodo was more thoughtful and moody than Hobbits want to be, and eagerly sought out news of far lands.

Ignoring the typographical perversion of "Elf-friend," this is notable for the part beginning "Frodo was more thoughtful," a direct but uncredited quote from Robert Foster's Guide to Middle-earth, except that Foster hadn't written "than Hobbits want to be." He wrote "than Hobbits were wont to be," which, like, actually makes sense.

Strider, bringing a couple other grotesquely typo'd names in his trail, is from Barcelona:

ARAGON II
As known by his own folks. Strider, the nickname given by folks of Bree to the ranger of Eridor — sixteenth chieftain of the Drinedain of the north — close friend of Gandalf.

And

GRIMA (Nickname Wormtongue)
Grima son of Galmond, he was clever but very mean, Spirited person, he was a spy for Wizard Saraum

What language is this translated from?

This is my favorite:

NAZGUL
A word meaning Ring-Wraith in black speech of Mordor. Chief servant of Sauron. Were sent to find Frodo and the Ring because they rode swift black horses.

I love this. "Because they rode swift black horses." Were it not for the lucky chance that the Nazgul had those swift black horses, Sauron's hunt for the Ring would have been doomed from the start.

And lastly: after Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam, the hobbits are concluded with:

MERRY GAMGEE
Hobbit of the Shire, second son of Sam Gamgee.
PIPPIN GAMGEE
Hobbit of the Shire, fifth son of Sam Gamgee.

This peculiar error deserves some unpacking. Vaguely aware, apparently, that the hobbit adventurers included two lads called Merry and Pippin, the compiler evidently went looking in Foster's Guide. Ignoring the cross-references from those nicknames to Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, the characters he was looking for, the compiler fastened on the brief succeeding entries for the children of Sam, born after the main story ends, who are named for them. (Which, typically, he gets wrong. The younger Pippin is, as Foster says, the fifth child of Sam, but only the third son.)

There is one statement in the cover letter with which I can kind of sympathize.

Be a TOLKIEN Authority before the world discovers and destroys this imaginary world, as will occur with the upcoming IBM/XEROX TV Special on NBC, Thanksgiving Night or the Animated Cinema Feature release of "THE TRILOGY" by Ralph Bakshi the producer of "Wizards".

Ah, palmy days.