Your comments here are why I raised the question of "But what is the voice?" in my reply back at sartorias's. You dislike my rewrite because it's not solidly inside a POV, but the original isn't solidly inside a POV either, and the two first sentences sartorias gave of the story she's reading show no indication of a POV at all.

Do you only read fiction written from a strong interior POV? If so, you're missing out on a lot of great literature.